[BAKER is on a plain set wearing a white top, shorts, and chef's hat. She smiles for the camera as if delivering a local commercial.]
BAKER: [exaggerated] Hey everybody out there in TV Land! This is XX, inviting all of you to come on down to the SlapstickStuff Bakery! Your source for all your slapstick needs! If you wanna throw it, drop it, or smash it, we've got it! Located on Highway 76, right next to the super Wal-Mart!
B: Just check out our inventory! Looking for a cake for that high-society dinner? [Three Stooges footage is inserted.] The SlapstickStuff Bakery has the perfect one! How about some melted ice cream? Or possibly some yogurt? [YCDTOV footage is inserted.] Mmm, tasty! You can find it all here at the SlapstickStuff Bakery!
B: Why, just look at this batch of fresh chocolate we got in today! [BAKER pauses awkwardly, then looks off camera.]
B: [in a loud whisper] TOBY! C'mon! Bring in the chocolate!
[ASSISTANT enters, carrying a large bucket. He wears an apron and appears very nervous.]
ASSISTANT: Um, I thought you said I wasn't gonna be on camera
B: [whispering] Shut up! You're ruining my ad! [turns back to camera and smiles] As I was saying, look at this fresh chocolate! [BAKER "nudges" ASSISTANT, who holds the contents of the bucket up to the camera.]
B: [whispering again] Okay, that's good. Now get off the stage! Shoo! [ASSISTANT begins to exit.]
B: [to camera] Sorry, everyone! Like folks around here say, he comes from the "shallow end of the gene pool." [ASSISTANT gives her a dirty look.]
B: Now where was I? Oh yes, the SlapstickStuff Bakery has the perfect food for any situation! Perhaps you want some cream puffs when company comes over? [Three Stooges footage] How about blueberries for that special someone? [Fried Green Tomatoes footage] And did I mention our cakes? [Charmed footage] Can't forget the cakes!
B: That's right, the SlapstickStuff Bakery! If you wanna play with your food, you've come to the right place! Highway 76, next to the super Wal-Mart! And what's our big special this week? [Again she looks off camera.]
A: [stepping into shot] Um Pies?
B: That's right! Pies! [BAKER angrily gestures to ASSISTANT, who hurries in with two pies. BAKER grabs them in a huff and shoos ASSISTANT off camera again.]
B: Yes sir, the SlapstickStuff Bakery has all sorts of pies! Banana cream! Lemon meringue! Even our triple-layer chocolate! Mmmm good! One look at our selection, and you'll be saying, "Hey! Give ME a pie!" [gets pied]
B: [stunned] Toby! You idiot!
A: [OC] But I thought you asked for a pie in the face!
B: From the old movie footage! Now let's try it again!
B: [to camera] One look at our pies, and you'll want two! [gets pied]
B: Not me! Not me!
A: Sorry . We ran out of that old footage .
B: Well, improvise! [gets pied] Not like THAT. [She removes her hat and attempts to clean up as ASSISTANT helps.]
A: So what do you say now that I helped you clean up?
B: You're still an idiot. [gets pied] Aw c'mon, I was kidding . [looks around] A little help? Anyone?
A: [angry] Camera's still rolling.
B: [attempting to regain composure for the camera] So come on down to the SlapstickStuff Bakery where we've got pies! [gets pied] Lots and lots of pies. [gets pied]
B: [angry] That's it! I've had it! Someone's getting these pies! [She brandishes her twin pies.] Where are you? Where'd you go? [ASSISTANT sneaks up behind BAKER and makes her pie herself.]
B: I'm sorry I yelled at you... Could you clean me off now? [ASSISTANT towels her down.]
A: Still rolling.
B: Ahem. The SlapstickStuff Bakery is more than just [gets pied] Ahem. We're more than just [gets pied] There's much more to us than just [gets pied]
B: Dammit! We do more than just pies here!
A: Like eggs?
B: No, ANYTHING but eggs!
A: How about water?
B: No! No water! No eggs! No pies!
A: How about the big batch we just got in?
B: You mean the chocolate? [Chocolate is tossed on her.]
B: [back to camera] And don't forget the chocolate .
A: Or the pies!
B: Or the pies [gets several pies]
A: And watch out for that banana peel!
B: Banana peel? Wha . [BAKER suddenly pitches forward in exaggerated fashion. Cut to a table with a big bowl of cream on it. BAKER falls face first into bowl. After a few seconds, she slowly pulls her head up.]
B: The SlapstickStuff Bakery. For
all your slapstick needs. Highway 76, right next to the super Wal-Mart