[MODEL is on screen looking irritated and occasionally checking her watch. Finally PRODUCER enters.]

P: Hey, glad you could make it out today.

M: [sarcastic] Oh, happy to help. This isn't gonna take too long, is it?

P: Well, it all depends how fast you work.

M: I can work as fast as you want. Just tell me where to go and what to do.

P: Well, you don't need to go anywhere. Just stay right here and read that line.

M: What line?

P: The one on that cue card there. "Boy, this shoot is going to be a piece of cake!" Then we deck you with pies for five minutes.

M: Okay, the line is fine. The pies are gonna be a problem.

P: But… We went over this for three hours. You get pied, you get paid. That's the deal.

M: Yeah… I'm not feeling it. Not that funny.

P: [confused] But… It's not going to be funny to YOU. Just everyone else.

M: No, see, here's your problem. It's too far-fetched.

P: You're saying a pie in the face is unrealistic?

M: Well, how often do you see someone get pied in real life?

P: [thinks for a second] Usually about every two or three weeks. Sometimes more if I'm overscheduled…

M: You're missing the point. People just don't walk around in everyday conversation saying, "Hey! Give me a pie!" [gets pied]

P: In my world they do.

M: That was NOT funny.

P: Are you sure? [pies her again] Seemed funny to me.

M: But it's not! It's just some stupid, stupid gag! [gets pied]

P: Stupid, but effective.

M: What effect is it having then?

P: Well, for starters, two minutes ago you were clean. [pies her again] And now you're not.

M: Yeah, thanks for that.

P: Oh, we can fix it if you want.

M: That would be nice. [gets watered]

P: All you had to do was ask.

M: I'm really not that clean though.

P: But it's all relative. For instance, you're cleaner now than you will be after this… [pies her] Or this…. [another one]

M: I get the point, thanks.

P: I'm not sure you do. Here… [hands her a pie] Try it yourself.

M: And this is going to make it funny?

P: The self pie… ALWAYS funny.

M: Fine. [pies herself] Well, it IS getting funnier….

P: You just need more practice. [hands her another one]

M: Thanks. [pies herself with more force] You're right. That IS funny.

P: Finally! Now we can do variations.

M: Oh no, you wouldn't.

P: I would.

M: You couldn't.

P: I could.

M: You shouldn't!!

P: [pies MODEL] I should.

M: You didn't.

P: Um… Yes I did! [pies MODEL again]

M: Great variation. Anything else?

P: Well, there's the quad-pie. You start with the pie hat… [demonstrates on MODEL] The pie on either side… [demonstrates again] And, of course, dead center. [pies MODEL straight on]

M: Aha. So what's the variation that dumps water on me? [gets watered]

P: The "rain from above" is its proper term.

M: Why? What else comes from above?

P: You mean you don't know?

M: [confused] No. I don't know. [gets slimed]

P: Boy. That never gets old.

M: Yeah… Good time to break for lunch then.

P: Of course! Would you like a… sandwich?

M: No, a tossed green salad would be fine.

P: [pause] How about a… sandwich?

M: No, just the salad, thanks.

P: Um… we're out of salads. We just have the sandwich.

M: [resigned] FINE. Gimme the sandwich. [gets pie sandwiched]

P: And you said pie comedy was far-fetched!

M: How wrong I was…..