SlapstickStuff Meets STAR WARS
TEXT: A short time ago in a studio very, very tiny…
[OPENING: Star Wars crawl effect.]
TEXT: Episode XVII: Rehash Of The Jedi
TEXT: Princess Leimee Orgasma has awakened from a glitterstim spice hangover to find herself in the clutches of the vile prankster Jabba The Slutt. Little does Leimee know that Jabba's evil plans for her extend far beyond the typical realm of slave-girl fan fiction.…
[Scene is shot using green screen and clips from the film Return Of The Jedi. LEIMEE ORGASMA is wearing the infamous "slave girl" bikini from the original film. She is "handcuffed" with shackles that stretch off camera and blindfolded with a scarf. She struggles mightily and loudly.]
L: Help! Someone help me! Anyone! Help…
[A deep laugh can be heard from OC.]
L: Wait, I know that laugh...
[JABBA THE SLUTT is revealed. His dialogue is always subtitled.]
JABBA: Nice look there, Orgasma.
L: Jabba! I recognized your foul stench the moment I got here.
JABBA: I prefer the term "distinctive."
L: [shaking head] And now I can't see. It must be hibernation sickness.
JABBA: Or a scarf.
L: Oh. [She shakes her head and the scarf falls off.]
JABBA: You're in luck, Princess. I prepared something extra special just for you.
L: Like what? New slave dancer music?
JABBA: No, Salacious here recently introduced me to the work of… the Three Stooges.
[CUT TO: SALACIOUS B. Crumb, laughing hysterically.]
L: The Three Stooges? Oh no… [A pie hits her from OC.]
JABBA: Nyuk nyuk nyuk…
L: Aw c'mon, you can't be serious…. [Another pie]
JABBA: Ah ah ah ah…
L: Wait just a… [another pie]
JABBA: Oh, a wise guy!
L: You really are a big perv, aren't you? [another pie]
JABBA: Certainly!
L: [another pie] How about you, Fett? Enjoying this? [CUT TO: Boba Fett, looking very Fett-esque.]
L: So where's the chocolate? [A chocolate pie hits her. CUT TO: Jabba licking his lips.]
L: Okay, enough already! Alderan is a peaceful planet! [another pie]
[CUT TO: R2D2 making noises.]
L: Artoo? Is that you? [another pie] Artoo! How could you?
[CUT TO: R2D2 making a sad noise.]
C3PO: I'm terrible sorry.
L: Sorry for what? [another pie] Aw… Threepio…
C3PO: Will this never end?
L: Look Jabba, if you're gonna keep doing this, at least clean me off.
JABBA: No problem. That's what Max is for.
L: Max??
JABBA: Yeah, the elephant creature-thing. Hey, elephant guy!
[CUT TO: MAX REBO clip, then CUT to LEIMEE getting water dumped on her from above.]
L: Thanks, elephant guy.
[MAX REBO shakes his snout.]
JABBA: Now, where were we?
L: Well, you were flinging pies at me. [gets pied] Like that. [gets pied] And THAT.
JABBA: Hahaha! This never gets old.
L: Actually, you could change it up a bit.
JABBA: You're right. Have a go at it, Bib Fortuna.
[A hand from OC smushes a pie into LEIMEE's face.]
L: Kinda weak on the follow-through there, Bib. [another smushed pie] Better.
JABBA: Try the banana, Bib.
L: [gets a banana cream pie] Oh yeah, good call.
[CUT TO: JABBA licking his lips.]
L: [another pie] Okay, enough's enough. Han, Luke, come and rescue me here.
[CUT TO: HAN & LUKE, frozen in place.]
L: Han? Luke?
[Still frozen.]
L: Hey… guys… Little help?
[Still frozen.]
L: [annoyed] What the f… [gets pied] So that's it? I'm just gonna keep standing here half-naked and covered in pie?
HAN SOLO: That doesn't sound so bad…
L: But Han, can't you hold me like you did by the lake on Naboo…. [gets pied]
JABBA: Dear God, please stop.
L: What? All I did was mention Naboo… [gets pied]
JABBA: Seriously. Stop.
L: Fine. So maybe I could lose these shackles then?
JABBA: Won't that cause continuity problems down the line?
[CUT TO: LEIMEE standing, clearly unshackled.]
L: You tell me.
[CUT TO: MAX REBO covers his eyes. JABBA groans.]
L: Finally! No more demeaning slave girl stuff. [A hand from OC pulls her neck chain and LEIMEE is "dragged" into a pie.]
L: Dammit! [She wipes her eyes and gets pied again.]
L: Seriously, that's enough…. [another pie]
L: [whining] Why do you keep doing this?
JABBA: It's simple, Princess. Species around the galaxy pay good money for this sort of thing.
L: You can't be serious.
JABBA: Dead serious. Lots of freaks out there.
L: And they like it when I do… this? [She pies herself.]
[CUT TO: Various creatures cheering and laughing.]
L: Really? Well, how 'bout THIS? [Another self-pie, more cheering.]
L: Or maybe even THIS! [She pies herself and dances around. The creatures go wild.]
[CUT TO: MAX REBO moving his trunk, then LEIMEE getting splashed with water.]
L: Awesome… So Jabba, what kind of cut am I getting?
JABBA: Oh, I forgot to mention that. It's strictly a flat fee. No profit sharing at all. [begins laughing]
L: No profit sharing?? Why you fat disgusting smelly….
[LEIMEE begins pulling on her "neck chain." Quick CUTS between LEIMEE and JABBA being choked. As it progresses, green slime-AKA "Jabba guts"-begins falling on LEIMEE. She continues to pull as she gets slimed. Finally JABBA dies…. And the last bit of slime lands on LEIMEE.]
L: [wiping herself] Wow, that wasn't gross at all. Now how do I get out of this chain thing? [looks around] Oh, it must be this button. [She reaches to press something OC.]
[CUT to: EXPLODING space barge. Screen wipes to TITLES.]