THE PIE IN THE FACE PRIMER

[MODEL wears an updated vaudeville outfit of pinstriped top, shorts, gloves, suspenders, and bow tie. She sits on a stool, smiles for the camera, and then speaks in an obviously "sexy" voice.]

MODEL: Why, hello there. I'm Britney, and welcome to your Pie In The Face primer. You know, by now I wouldn't think you people would need a Pie In The Face primer. But then again, most of you are mildly retarded.

PRODUCER [OC]: Hey! That's not in the script!

M: [smiles] Just ignore that. This skit is all about me… [points to camera] And you.

M: Now then, I'm sure you all know the words "piece." And "pie." [The words appear on the screen.]

M: Put them together, and what do you get? "Piece of pie."

M: But be careful what you say. Sometimes when you ask for a "Piece Of Pie…" [gets pied] You get a piece of pie.

M: [talking to PRODUCER] That was not in my contract.

P: Oh yeah, right! Just like you insulting the audience was not in my script!

M: Touchè.

P: So why don't we call it even and you just carry on?

M: Fine. I guess I'll have to carry on. [She straightens her bow tie and gets creamed.]

M: [sighs] As you all know, there's nothing funnier than seeing someone… [gets pied] Get hit in the face with a pie. [straightens tie and gets hit again]

M: That's it. I'm done here.

P: Hang on, cut! [walks up to MODEL] Now what's the problem?

M: This whole skit is beneath me.

P: Hmmm… How about another fifty bucks?

M: Throw in three water breaks, and you've got a deal.

P: Works for me. [walks off camera] Water break! [MODEL is watered.] Better?

M: That's not what I meant.

P: Hey, next time read the fine print. Now get on with it.

M: [attempts to go back to her smiling, sexy persona] So there are many different types of pies! First up is the unexpected pie, which comes… [gets pied] When you least expect it.

P: See? Not so bad!

M: I guess. [cleans herself] Next is the side profile pie. I start by showing my side profile to the camera, like so… [turns to the side]

M: Oh no, you wouldn't.

P: I would.

M: You couldn't.

P: I could.

M: You shouldn't.

P: I should. [pies her]

M: You didn't!

P: Nope… [pies her] I did.

M: Yeah… you did.

P: Excellent. Keep going!

M: A popular one is the self pie. Allow me to demonstrate. [takes up pie and forcibly does the self pieing]

P: Can you try that again? I don't think the cameras caught it.

M: Are you KIDDING? [exasperated] Fine! [self-pies again]

P: Yes, actually, I was. But you do the self pie very nicely.

M: I'm gonna need that second water break. [MODEL is watered again.]

P: All good?

M: I think I'm losing focus.

P: I've got just the thing! Try it with a cane.

M: If you say so. [takes cane] Hey, you know what? This cane is kinda nice! [tips hat and taps cane] You want to know the secret to a great pie in the face? It's all about respect! [gets pied]

M: As I was saying, I deserve some kind of respect. [gets pied]

M: I'm not kidding! I demand respect! [gets pied]

M: That wasn't very respectful.

P: That's okay, kid. It all comes down to the big song-and-dance finale!

M: But I'm not really a dancer….

P: Don't worry about it. Just smile for the camera and we'll do the rest!

M: Okay….

[Music plays as MODEL does a goofy vaudeville dance routine to the song. As the song progresses, pies keep hitting her.]

P: Okay, now throw out your arms and give me a big ta-da!

M: Ta-da! [gets slime thrown on her]

M: Perfect….