PULPER FICTION

[Scene is shot using green screen and clips from the film Pulp Fiction. DIRECTOR stands in front of an "off set" background with camera and wiring. ACTRESS sits in a chair in front of a background of "Brett's kitchen" from the Pulp Fiction scene.]

DIRECTOR: [OC] Okay, Scene 36, Brett's kitchen! Places everyone!

ACTRESS: Um, excuse me, Mister Director? What's my motivation?

D: Motivation? Hmmm… I guess you're "motivating" Jules and Vincent into buying some pies from you.

A: That doesn't sound very suspenseful.

D: Of course not. This is a comedy.

A: I thought this was the Pulp Fiction sequel, Pulper Fiction.

D: It is. But this time it's a PG-13 comedy with female leads.

A: Why would anyone do that??

D: Well, it's the studio's idea. The intention is to cover all the demos. You know, bring in women, teenagers, families... Right Sam?

SAMUEL JACKSON: [clip] You were saying something about best intentions.

D: Riiiight. [to ACTRESS] He's a little… [makes "cuckoo" sign] These days.

A: [nodding] Gotcha.

D: Okay, so let's pick it up from where Jules begins questioning you. And… Action!

SJ: You know who we are?

A: Of course, you're Samuel Jackson in a bad wig. And that's John Travolta in a bad wig.

[SAM JACKSON looks confused.]

A: Nope? Not even close?

SJ: We're associates of your business partner.

A: Oh, you mean the SlapstickStuff guy…. What's his name again? Rob? Ralph?...

SJ: You do remember your business partner?

A: Hang on…. I always forget what he looks like…

SJ: Does he look like a bitch?

A: No… but he does look pretty weird.

SJ: I thought so.

A: Anyway, he said you'd be dropping in. Said you were in the market for some "food items."

SJ: Hamburgers!

A: No… Not exactly. More like pies. You know… the black market kind.

SJ: Where'd you get them?

A: Don't worry, they're untraceable. I keep them in that briefcase back there.

[JOHN TRAVOLTA opens briefcase and looks in.]

A: I'll be honest guys. Nothing makes me happier than pies. Do they make you happy?

JT: Oh yeah. We happy. [closes briefcase]

A: Well, good. You can try them out first if you want.

[JOHN TRAVOLTA looks confused.]

A: Don't worry, I won't mind. This is an old dress.

[SAM JACKSON looks confused.]

A: You can even do that "quoting Scripture" thing too. I know you like that.

[SAM JACKSON looks confused.]

A: Go on. You know you want to.

SJ: And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers…

[ACTRESS looks around, mock-scared.]

SJ: And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!

[Several pies fly from offscreen and hit ACTRESS.]

D: And… cut! How was that for you, John?

[JOHN TRAVOLTA is smoking.]

D: How 'bout you, Vicky?

A: It seemed a little obvious.

D: You're right. Let's try it with a punchier catch phrase. Something short & snappy. And… Action!

SJ: Oh well, allow me to retort!

[More pies hit ACTRESS.]

D: Better. Sam, you wanna try an ad-lib?

SJ: Oh I'm sorry! Did I break your concentration?

[Still more pies hit ACTRESS.]

D: And… cut!

A: Don't I get a stunt double or something?

D: Um, yeah… Next scene.

A: Well, how about cleaning me off then? [ACTRESS gets watered.]

D: Alright, everyone take your places for the big shootout scene!

A: Hang on… Big shootout??

D: Yeah, right, Vicky… um, just hold your breath. And… action!

[Montage of YOUNG KID shooting, SAM JACKSON shooting, and JOHN TRAVOLTA shooting. ACTRESS keeps getting hit with pies throughout. Finally the shootout ends. ACTRESS looks at DIRECTOR, furious.]

D: And… cut! That was good, people. But I think we've got time for one more take…

[ACTRESS looks more furious.]

D: Yes… One more take??

SJ: I'd knock that s**t off if I were you.

D: Right…. Good work, everyone! I guess the catering's "on you!" Hahahaha…

[SCENE fades to TITLE: "PULPER FICTION. In theaters this summer."]