SCENE: BASEMENT
A dingy basement, shot with an annoying green tint. This can be done using green screen if necessary. SAMANTHA is wearing some kind of Gothic black corset thing. She has her eyes closed, and slowly opens them. As she looks around, the camera pans back rapidly to reveal a pie in each of her hands. The camera then does a series of quick pans and edits.

CUT TO:
A shot of a television set and the infamous JIGSAW.

CUT TO:
SAMANTHA turning and looking.

CUT TO:
JIGSAW on TV again.

JIGSAW
Hello Samantha. I want to play a game.

FADE TO TITLE
Lions Gate

FADE TO TITLE
SlapstickStuff

JIGSAW
Most people never taste how good life really is. But not you. Not anymore.

CUT TO:
We see shots of SAMANTHA as the camera pans. Quick edits of some of the pies, including close-ups. Extreme close-up of pie with SAMANTHA directly behind it. These shots continue as JIGSAW speaks.

JIGSAW
You're standing in a room filled with cream pies. Buried inside one of them is a key. The key to your freedom.

CUT TO:
JIGSAW is on the TV set again. From this point, JIGSAW will usually be on screen when he speaks.

JIGSAW
But in order to find it, Samantha, you'll have to dig deep. Deep enough to discover what pain really tastes like.

Music stops. SAMANTHA pauses, looking slightly confused.

SAMANTHA
So you want me to smash these pies into my face to find the key?

[pause]

JIGSAW
Yes. That's the gist of it.

[pause]

SAMANTHA
So the pies are filled with some sort of corrosive acid?

JIGSAW
No. No acid.

[pause]

SAMANTHA
But one of them is rigged to explode when I touch it, right?

JIGSAW
Nope. Nothing violent.

[pause]

SAMANTHA
So they taste really bad?

JIGSAW
No! There's nothing wrong with them. They're just ordinary pies. I made them myself this morning!

[pause]

SAMANTHA
I'm confused. What's the horrible twist?

JIGSAW
There IS no twist! Geez! Can't a crazy sadistic genius mellow out in his old age?

SAMANTHA
[shrugs]
Well, I guess, but…

JIGSAW
No but's! Just do it!!

SAMANTHA
[exasperated]
FINE.

[She whacks herself with a pie.]

JIGSAW begins to laugh.

SAMANTHA
Haha, how funny.

JIGSAW is heard laughing as the scene fades.

FADE TO TITLE
This Halloween…

FADE TO:
SAMANTHA holds another pie and hits herself again.

JIGSAW
I would be careful if I were you. Some of those pies are filled with… banana.

SAMANTHA
Oh, I know.
[licking her fingers]
Tastes good.

JIGSAW
[annoyed]
It's not supposed to taste GOOD. It's supposed to taste like…

SAMANTHA
[interrupting]
I know, like pain, yeah yeah.

She hits herself again.

FADE TO TITLE:
From the creators of SAW…

FADE TO:
SAMANTHA holds another pie and hits herself yet again.

JIGSAW
Not in that one either. Time's running out, Samantha.

SAMANTHA
Yeah… so what happens if I don't find the key?

JIGSAW
Then this room becomes… your tomb.

[pause]

SAMANTHA
No, not really. I could just eat the rest of these pies, then crawl out that window.

JIGSAW
No! Not the window! That's not part of the game!

SAMANTHA
Or I could call one of my friends and have them come pick me up…

SAMANTHA pulls out a cell phone.

JIGSAW
Hey! No cell phones! C'mon! Play by the rules!

SAMANTHA
[condescending]
Alright, fine, what-EVER, little… puppet boy. Don't get your panties in a wad….

JIGSAW sputters protests, but SAMANTHA has already proceeded to hit herself again.

SAMANTHA
[looking around, still covered in pie]
Seriously. You didn't FORGET to hide the key, did you?

JIGSAW
[embarrassed]
Well, I was running late, so I had my assistant handle it. But he's been a bit preoccupied lately, I think there's some trouble at home…

SAMANTHA
[interrupting]
You know what? Just save it. I'm tired of excuses here.

She hits herself yet again.

FADE TO TITLE:
Comes a new comedy…

SAMANTHA
[still pie-covered]
Hey look! I'm a ballerina!

SAMANTHA proceeds to spin around as the camera rapidly pans and heavy industrial music is played. These are cut with JIGSAW shots.

JIGSAW
No, stop! You're making me dizzy!

SAMANTHA
La dee da dee da….

JIGSAW
That's it! I'm warning you!!

SAMANTHA
Why? Whatcha gonna do about it?

A pie comes from off camera and nails her.

SAMANTHA
Oh. That.

JIGSAW is heard laughing as scene fades.

FADE TO TITLE:
SPLAT

SAMANTHA
[wiping herself off]
Okay look, I've gone through all these pies, and I'll be honest. I don't know where this key is…

She gets slimed from above as JIGSAW laughs on the soundtrack.

JIGSAW
Ho ho! You Can't Do That On Television! I love that bit!

CUT TO:
SAMANTHA, dripping and looking off camera, highly annoyed.

FADE TO TITLE:
SPLAT
Oh yes... There will be mess.

JIGSAW [VO]
Live or pie. Make your choice.

FADE OUT