AN INTRODUCTION TO SLAPSTICK

[BRITTANY and QUINCY both stand on set. They wear "typical sexy model shoot" wardrobe and talk to each other.]

BRITTANY: [looking around] So this is the place, huh?

QUINCY: According to the map... You know, I've never been here either.

B: Looks pretty sketchy. So what are we doing again?

Q: "Slapstick comedy sketches." Here's a script.

B: [looking at script] Wow, this guy's handwriting is AWFUL. And is that crayon?

Q: I think so. [takes back script]

B: At least we're getting paid.

Q: [reading] Okay, so here's my first line. "Hey Brittany, I made a whole bunch of pies today. Would you like one?" [shakes head] Horrible dialogue.

B: Sheesh. What's my line?

Q: You go, "That sounds great. Let me have it."

B: That's it? Let me have it? [gets pied from OC]

[QUINCY begins laughing hysterically. BRITTANY is in shock.]

Q: You said it!

B: Said WHAT? Let me have it?? [gets pied again]

Q: [still laughing] Aw Brittany, I'm sorry. I don't mean to laugh… but the look on your face when you got hit with that pie… [gets pied]

B: Oh, you mean like that?

Q: Yeah, like that. [gets pied] And that.

B: You know Quincy, this is definitely the stupidest thing you've ever had me do. But at least it's funny.

Q: Right. Hey, speaking of funny… Watch this! [She pies BRITTANY.] Pretty funny, right?

B: Yeah, not bad… but I think THIS is even funnier! [pies her back]

Q: Oh, that's it! It's on! [They exchange several pies back and forth.]

B: Well, that was… different.

Q: You said it. [yelling OC] Hey, can we get cleaned off over here? [Water is thrown on them.]

B: Refreshing. So is that it for Scene One?

Q: Nope, there's a second page. [looks at script] Apparently, we have to "demonstrate" some pie techniques.

B: Like what?

Q: Well, the first one is the "thrown pie." [A pie flies off camera and hits BRITTANY.] Just like that. [Another thrown pie hits QUINCY.] Or that.

B: Great. What next?

Q: Next is the "self pie." [A pie is handed to her.] I guess I'm first. [She pies herself.]

B: Wuss. Use some force. [BRITTANY pies herself with force.]

Q: Hang on, let me get the technique down. [pies herself]

B: Not bad, but I'm still the champ. [pies herself]

Q: Right. And then finally, the "back and forth pie." [looks around] I guess I need a pie first.

B: Here you go! [pies QUINCY]

Q: [without clearing herself] And one for you! [pies BRITTANY]

B: Oh no, allow me! [pies QUINCY]

Q: No no, I insist! [pies BRITTANY]

B: Can you see anything at all?

Q: Nope, completely blind.

B: I think we need some more of that "cleanup" then. [gets watered]

Q: Hey, what about me? [gets watered]

B: So are we done yet?

Q: Almost. The last part is the "Nickelodeon tribute." Any idea what that is?

B: Beats me. I don't know. [gets green slimed]

Q: Oh yeah, I remember this from when I was a kid! They dump green slime on you whenever you say "I don't know"! [gets green slimed]

B: Quincy, you really need to screen your photographers more carefully. [gets a thrown pie]

Q: I'll keep that in mind. [gets a thrown pie as scene ends]