[Longtime kids show host SUZIE SALES is addressing an audience of kids, as usual. She is dressed in a rather kid-inappropriate bumblebee costume.]

SUZIE: [in exaggerated kids show host voice] Hey kids! Welcome to the Suzie Sales Show! I'm your host, Suzie Sales! [Kids boo loudly.]

KID: [OC] You're not Suzie! [More boos.]

S: Well no, I guess you're right. See, last year the writers played pranks on Suzie. So Suzie got VERY angry and tried to replace them. Instead, Suzie went away on vacation….. And I'm her sister! Sally Sales! Is that okay? [Kids boo again.]

PRODUCER: [enters scene] The kids don't trust you, Sally. You've got to earn that trust. Kids are sneaky and evil that way.

S: But I don't understand….

P: Look, we wrote out a whole script that will make the kids love you. Just read the lines and don't worry about it.

S: Okay…. [She is handed a piece of paper and begins reading.]

S: Okay kids, today's topic is "The Birds And The Bees." [Kids cheer loudly as SALLY looks around in a panic.] Uh-oh.

P: [OC] Just keep reading!

S: No no, not that kind of birds and bees. We'll be talking about the BIRDS… the cute little birdies up in the treetops! And the bumblebees who buzz around the grass! Won't that be fun? [Kids boo loudly. SALLY shrugs and looks off camera.]

P: [OC] It's gonna get better. Trust me. Keep reading!

S: So kids, what letter do "birds" and "bees" start with? [Dead silence. SALLY looks confused but continues.] That's right… B! Very good… [half-hearted] Okay, let's try another one. What do birds and bees BOTH have? [Dead silence again.] Wings! You know? [flaps arms] Wings!

S: Look, you have to know this one: What do they use those wings to do? [Still silence. SALLY is frustrated.] Aw c'mon! They fly! Fly!!! [She gets pied. Kids cheer wildly.]

S: Wait a minute! What was that?? I said "fly," not "pie"! [gets pied again]

S: Oh, so that's the deal, huh? You nail me whenever I say a word that sounds like "pie"? [gets it again]

P: See, what did I tell you? The kids are loving this!

S: [angry] You know what? Why stop with bees? Why not talk about ants? Or caterpillars? Or maybe a big old hairy SPIDER… [gets pied]

S: Oh come on! I said "spider," not "Pie her"!! [gets it again]

S: [very angry] That's it! I will not stand for this! I'm a kids' show host, NOT a circus clown! [gets pied]

S: Arrrgh!! I need a break!

P: You mean a water break??

S: Yes! [Water is poured on her.] No….

P: Looks like you're doing great, Sally!

S: You know, if you wanted to mess me up so bad, why didn't you just continue the whole "bee" thing and nail me with honey? [gets yellow slime thrown on her]

P: Like that?

S: [tasting slime] You guys are so cheap! This isn't even real honey! It's more like that slime you dump on people when they say "I don't know." [gets green slimed]

P: Except it's not green.

S: You're right. Given the choice, I think I prefer the yellow. [gets yellow slimed] Thank you.

P: Tell you what, Sally. I think the kids trust you now. Just read the last few lines and we can wrap up the show, okay.

S: Throw in a one year contract, and you've got a deal.

P: Fine. [They shake]

S: Just give me the rest of the script. [Script is handed to her. SALLY looks it over and suddenly gets concerned.] No… You can't be serious…

P: A deal's a deal. [takes script]

[Resigned to her fate, SALLY turns back to the kids and begins reading in a monotone.]

S: Hey kids. You know what I like most about the birds and the bees. The way they fly… [gets pied] So high… [gets pied] Up in the sky… [gets pied] Alright, you win! Let's just cut to the chase. [takes several pies and hits herself] There! Happy now?? Anything else you wanna add? [gets the last of the yellow slime]

P: Not anymore. See you tomorrow Sally!

S: [to herself] I hate you all….